I am writing this on Dan’s blog because……I don’t really know why except that the whole experience was sort of surreal and if I write it here, maybe I can write about it and just forget it. I am also writing it here because my husband is the one that pulled me through the moment and held it all together. I also think that if I write it here, surely no one will really see it, I will be absolved of my sins………and on and on!!!! Dan also keeps saying, “You know Karen, you don’t have to tell everything.” Sure I do, I am a woman. We hash stuff to death!!!
We left last Monday to go to Nashville for my throat surgery. This has been an issue I (and when you are married and close to your spouse, the word “I” when it involves your health is really a “WE.”) have been dealing with it since early summer. Anyway about half-way to Nashville, I realized I didn’t have my wallet. At first I thought surely it was somewhere in the car. We were, after all, in our usual manner, taking everything we owned for what was going to be a two night stay! Several frantic searches thru the car, some tense calls home, etc. left me with no other conclusion than IT WAS LOST.
Well, I was driving so that Dan could work on the computer, have conference calls, attend to business, etc. etc. Also if you have ever tried to use a laptop traveling down the freeway in the bright sun, you realize how fruitless some of those efforts can be. Now Dan is CONNECTED. The poor man works 18 hours a day and is always on the phone, on the computer, on a conference call, working so hard to manage two fabulous companies in what is the worst economy in anyone’s memory! Well, I am driving, and suddenly whatever conference call he is on, seems to sound like dah, dah, blip, dah, blah,blop, and I could feel my heart rate going out of my chest. I thought I was going to scream. So 20 minutes outside of Nashville, I yank the car off the expressway ramp, jump out of the car, and start tearing up the car for the illusive wallet. (I just knew that without a photo ID, insurance card, etc, that we were going to have problems.) When I didn’t find the wallet, I jumped back into the driver’s seat and started banging my head on the steering wheel. Everytime I banged it, of course, the horn blared. Then I started screaming at the horn. Well, dear diplomatic Dan calmly tells the other callers on his conference call that he better get off because there is a problem. That is sort of like saying there’s a leak on the Titanic!!!

I proceeded to tell Dan that I think I am going to scream. He once again, very calmly says, “Then scream.” So with that validation, I jumped out of the car and started screaming at the top of my lungs. No bad words, no anger at anyone but myself, but boy was I letting loose of some screams. (All of this is happening next to a Steak and Shake, Target, mini strip center. I am sure I must have looked like some deranged idiot, screaming at the top of my lungs, and just running around the car. ) Then in a final search effort, I go back to the trunk, pop it open, start searching AGAIN thru the crap back there. Finally I fell down on my knees behind the trunk still sobbing. Dan was trying to get me up off the ground and hug me and I was still like a feral child. Something raised by the wolves and let loose in surburbia!!! I also have some memory of him trying to put a coat on me because it was cold!
All the frustration of the past eight/nine months, all the days I have walked around with my cell phone tied to my body so as not to miss a doctor’s call that never came, all the fright, the middle of the night internet searches, the doctors that shook their head and said “WE AIN”T NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE!” it all came to head right then and there in the Steak and Shake parking lot!!!! And the sounds coming out of my mouth were not cries, they were sobs. I think they were coming from my soul~
I finally calmed down. Dan is all the while making phone calls (very calmly) and telling the hospital, pre-0p people, etc my situation. (Well, he is telling them about the lost wallet, not the deranged idiot that he is about to present for them to “fix.”) Had he exposed that bit of trivia, they might have said keep driving till you get to the NUT HOUSE!
Meanwhile back at home, Matt has torn up the house looking for it. He even went thru the trash can with poopy diapers in it. Dolly and Katie have searched their cars. The last time I remembered having the wallet was the night before when we were at Texas Roadhouse. Finally after several calls to them (they don’t open until three in the pm) we found out that it had been found under the booth where we had eaten the night before. It was in the safe, put there safely by the manager the night before. Matt went to the restaurant to pick it up for me. I got a beautiful text message that said, “wallet is in my hands.”
The lost wallet wasn’t really the issue. It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, as the old phrase goes. I was concerned about not having my identification but Dan had gotten that all checked out and approved. I was worried about having to cancel all the credit cards, my license, etc. BUT the wallet was just a thing and all those things inside were just things…….I just let too many things pile up on me without really realizing it. Also I have to comment on what a spiritual high I had been on just hours before. Because Dan was working, I had my Ipod going with the best of my praise and worship music, I had listened to an inspiring sermon by Andy Stanley. I felt safe and secure in His arms. I felt like I was doing just exactly what I had heard God tell me to do. I was, in fact, prayed up. I had felt the prayers of so manypeople, had gotten strength from them, been encouraged.
Just a flick of the armour melts away, and you are so vulnerable. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I would tell you in 55 years, I have never had a fit like that before. I wish I knew some theology that would save me from that again. Maybe its that Satan doesn’t just want to steal our joy, he wants to steal our security, our hope, our everything. Because he cannot get to me from the inside out, he sure knows ways to get me from the outside in…….
I had sobbed so hard that I had a killer headache when we arrived at pre-0p. I was way past any makeup redos. To say I had bloodshot eyes, well, a bit of an understatement!!!! When we went to the first pre-op desk and signed in, I know the lady probably thought I was coming in to be “put to sleep” like an old dog. But we had promised Charlie to chronicle the adventures of “Lovey” on the road so it was a the first of many photo ops! Is Lovey smiling? I think he’s glad I am just not behind the wheel anymore~~~~
Well the preop business didn’t take too long. I was still so dazed and confused. (I think I “blew out” some much needed gray matter having my hissy fit.) Dan had to take my hand and lead me around like an invalid. (I couldn’t find my way back to the hospital right now if my life depended on it!!!! ) We rode over to a nice Holiday Inn and as we were checking in, they were having wine and cheese. (Dan wasn’t real happy about my choice of the Holiday Inn. He wanted to stay at the Marriott or somewhere nicer.) BUT when he saw the “happy hour” venue, I think he softened a bit about the Holiday Inn!!!

I am not one to imbibe too much the night prior to “”goin’ under the knife.” But said oh well, what the heck, I need something to calm me down. We sat down, had a few glasses of vine, some crackers, and left for our PF Changs dinner. (Because of the melt-down in the car in the Pkg. Lot, we had no lunch, so hadn’t eaten all day!) So all in all, a day that had a full blown four alarm fit over nothing, turned out to be a nice Monday Nashville evening. I pretended at dinner that we were just on a business trip and sat as close to Dan in the restaurant as was socially permissible. After a nice dinner, a shower, we packed our early morning bags and the ordeal of the day was done! Dan would never mention it again. BUT I felt for a few brief moments, this is what “losing it”, “going crazy” feels like.
What a day and what a man! So hopefully some yahoo having a milkshake in Steak and Shake had a cameraphone and we’ll at least end up on youtube. Make you so proud…I just hope his cameraphone had sound!!!